All of my adult life I have struggled to express emotions. Growing up I was allowed to be happy, but not too happy. All in moderation. I could be sad, but only if injured. I was not allowed to be angry. And I carried those <insert sarcasm text here> healthy coping mechanisms into adulthood.
Whenever I would feel things strongly, I would be afraid. Often I would see a counselor or a doctor and over the next couple of decades I was on various families and strengths of antidepressants. Just over a year ago I talked to my family doc about coming off my antidepressants because I didn't think they were working. His response was to up them, to see if that helped.
It did not.
So, I slowly started weaning myself off them. When I got to 1/4 of the strength I was taking I talked again to my doctor and told him what I had done and sought advice to stop them. We agreed on a plan and as of this writing, I have been off antidepressants completely for three weeks. This is after being on them continuously for 14 years. Two different types, varying strengths, but now I'm doing this unmedicated.
I'm living life without SSRI's. The side effects of weaning off antidepressants are no joke and I should be through them in the next four weeks. Holy Shit.
For the first time in what feels like my adult life, I am feeling all the feelings. And frankly, it's terrifying. I'm learning to identify what these emotions are. Tears of happiness. Tears of gratitude. Tears of frustration. Feelings of contentment. Feelings of disappointment. Feelings of grace.
Please don't misunderstand me...I was on medication because I needed to be on medication. For awhile it worked well. Until it didn't. And at that time I was not prepared to even consider life without medication. This is not me saying medication is bad. This is me saying I'm ready to try something different.
November, December and January are difficult times for me. Lots of death and loss in those months, as well as the joy of the birth of Christ. The darker days, the longer nights, the lack of sun. All of it. And because my brain works the way it does, I don't decide to wean off these things in an easier time of year. Because what fun would that be?
I'm feeling the feelings. Every day I am moved to tears. Almost always they are tears of gratitude. Which is awesome and yet scares the crap out of me. But here I am, doing the thing.
Sorry for the silence...again...
I'm not going to promise to post regularly. I don't want to put that pressure on myself. I'm unsure the direction that Vaguely Meandering is going to take and whether I need to refurbish the page, as it were. Remove Categories, add others, use Tags, etc.
If nobody reads this, that's okay. Because really, this is for me. I like to write and I got away from writing for myself. I've started writing in a journal with a fountain pen and I'm loving it. This blog will be another way to express myself. My feelings, favourite music, weird observations, overcoming fears etc.
Because hey, I'm here. And I've got things to say.
Chat soon. x
Originally published November 2024