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  • barefootbellringer

Hey, I'm back!

So, I begin with an apology. I've neglected almost everything about my self care and especially I've neglected this blog. These days my mind is scattered, and I struggle with finding cohesive things to say, never mind write.

So here's the quick and messy rundown of the last year or so, or whenever it was I last posted.

In November of 2022 my beloved Sir Vincent of Carmel crossed the rainbow bridge and it broke me. I have never felt grief like that before. Six days after Sir Vincent died I got on an airplane and flew to Ontario to be with my family as my Mam was back in hospital and coming to the end of her earthy journey. All of this was happening as one Church building was sold and the accoutrements were being sorted and chosen as to what would move and what would stay.

I arrived in Ontario, went to bed early and at a cautionary COVID home test, I was positive. So I was put into isolation in my brother's basement suite for five days. During this time I celebrated my 55th birthday and made the decision on that day that we would not provide any heroic measures should our mother deteriorate further. That was fun.

Since then life has been a blur of activity. Most of the activity is absolutely essential while some, honestly, is because I don't want to sit still. I enjoy my own company but I don't want to be lost in my thoughts. Why? Many reasons, too numerous (and private) to share here.

Last summer I took a 4,000 km road trip in my KIA Rondo, from Fernie to Winnipeg to attend the Museum of Human Rights. That broke me as well. But in a completely different way. It broke me open to the atrocities of the world -- many of which I did not know! My birth country lost some of it's luster those days...

I came home after seeing the profound and the ridiculous. From the Museum of Human Rights and a statue of Mahatma Gandhi to a world's largest paper clip, second largest fire hydrant and more public bathrooms then I can mention. Because of the heat I slept in roadside motels. I managed to camp only two nights. Yet I saw some beautiful things. I spoke with strangers and decided I'm going to take the trip again, and will spend more time in Saskatchewan.

Last December I bought a truck. A 2011 black Chevy Avalanche. She's pretty. And strong, and fierce and with some luck and ingenuity she will become my retirement home as I intend to build a camper on her back. This summer we'll be taking many small adventures together. From simple overnights to multi-day journeys, I intend to have as much outdoor time and sunshine and rain showers and laughter as I can.

And I will take time to smell the flowers, to watch the bugs and to lie in the grass and watch the clouds. I will slow down. I will be still and I will begin the hard work that I've been avoiding for decades.

Yet before that begins I am working to reset my circadian rhythm. For so many years I made due with little to no sleep and my body has pushed back. My new family doc has decided that I need to set my internal clock so I'm participating in something called "Sleep Restriction". For 7 days I sleep only 5 1/2 hours. I am to get up when the alarm goes off and stay up until it is time for bed. Two nights in and it's hard.

I'm going to bed at 12:30 and waking at 6:00 am. I'm thinking if I can train my body to wake early then I may be able to reconnect to the morning delight I once experienced rather than morning dread when I hit the snooze again, roll over and ignore the day.

In short, I'm a work in progress and I am going to be more diligent in writing. I'm aiming for weekly, a kind of check in. But who knows? I'm listening to more music and want to share that here. I'm also writing in a journal and dipping my toe back into poetry. I am realizing how much I've missed it.

So, here I am. I'm back. This time, for good.

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